Okay - here's probably every music joke you've ever heard.

Engineers

 

A band is getting ready to record. Everyone has their headphones on, they're about to start and the producer comes on the talkback and says "Hey, I need to have total silence!" Just then the drummer smacks his crash cymbals. The producer yells, "Okay, who did that?"

 

\Q. How many sound engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A1. Lightbulbs? Why bother, they don't make any noise.
A2. That depends on how many can fit in one.
A3. Just one, but all the others say they can do it better.

Music

Q. You know what new age music played backwards is?
A. New age music.

An anthropologist decides to investigate the natives of a far-flung tropical island. As he wades ashore from his boat, he hears many drums pounding in the distance. The drumming continues for many hours, the same patterns repeating over and over. Finally the anthropologist musters his courage and moves inland to seek out a native. He soon encounters a chief, and since the drums are still playing, he asks him "Those drums--what do the drums mean?" The chief just shakes his head, says "Bad, very bad...", and wanders back into the jungle.
The next day, the drums are still going. The anthropologist again seeks out the chief and asks, "Those drums! What do the drums mean?!" The chief again just shakes his head sadly and says, "Bad! Very, very, bad!", and goes back into the jungle. After three days the drums are still going. The anthopologist is getting desperate. He runs to the village and accosts the chief. "Chief! Please! What do the drums mean?!?!". At that moment, suddenly, the drums stop. A deathly silence prevails. The chief, turning pale, says, "Ohhhhh nooo, even worse! Now come bass solo!!!"--contributed by Michael McNabb

Broadcasting

Radio disk jockeys are never supposed to leave the station unattended, but the late-night DJ at the classical station had to pick up his girl friend at the airport so he put on a CD of the first act of Meistersinger, locked up the station, jumped in his car and drove off. He got back -- he thought -- just in time to change the disc, but discovered to his horror that the CD was skipping and had repeated the 11th bar of the overture over and over again for 57 minutes. Thinking fast, he s-l-o-w-l-y faded down the volume and then announced, "That was Symphony Number 7 by Philip Glass."

Computers

Q. How come computer programmers never get out of the shower?
A. "Rinse, lather, repeat."

Live sound

Q. How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
A1. "One, two, three, one, two, three..."
A2. "Hey man, I just do sound."
A3. One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, Changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

Musicians

Q. How many session guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it will probably require several takes.

A cop walking his beat notices two guys fighting fiercely in an alley behind a club. He decides to investigate the problem. It turns out that they're two band members playing the club and are on break.
"What's the problem?" says the cop.
1st guy: "We were coming off the bandstand and this guy bumped my guitar so hard he knocked one of my strings out of tune!"
Cop: "Well, I understand that instruments are expensive and fragile, but is this something to get into such a fight about?"
1st guy: "Yes! the jerk won't tell me which one."

Two women are walking in the woods when they hear a tiny voice calling them. They look down and see a frog - talking to them! "Hey chicks, help me! I'm a jazz musician who's been turned into a frog by an evil witch! If you kiss me, I'll return to my former self." One of the women picks up the frog and places him in her coat pocket. The other asks why she didn't kiss him. "Are you kidding? He's worth a LOT more as a talking frog than as a jazz musician!"

Q. What's the difference between a musician and a US savings bond?
A. One of them eventually matures and earns money.

Q. What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A. With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: Vibrato.

Music Education

Q. What's the most common thing a college graduate says on his first job?
A. "You want fries with that?"
Q. What's the most common thing a graduate of an expensive, comprehensive, award-winning, college course in audio engineering technology says on his first job?"
A. "You want batteries with that?"

Producers and Record Companies

Q. How many record producers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. I don't know, what do you think?

A bunny and a snake were out drinking at their respective bars, and, both critters were fairly well pickled when they set off for home. Being late, they both decided to take a short cut through a field, and, being dark, they smacked right into each other. "Who are you?" cried one. "Uh..you tell me who you are first!" cried the other.
Well, they went around like this for a while, and finally agreed that they would feel each other, and guess as to the other's identity. The snake went first and says "Hmmm....you're soft, and warm, and furry, and have big long floppy ears, and a cotton tail - you must be a bunny rabbit!" Then the rabbit took his turn and said "Hmmm....you're cold, and slimy, and scaly, and crawl on your belly, and have no ears — you must work for a record label!

Miscellaneous

Q: How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. She holds it and the world revolves around her.

Q: How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 12,001. 1 to screw it in, 2000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A A drummer.

Q: How can you tell that there's a drummer at your front door?
A: The knocking keeps speeding up.

Q: How can you tell that there's a vocalist at your front door?
A: She doesn't know when to come in.

Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Q: How do you get two flute players to play the same note?
A: You shoot one of them.

Q: What is the definition of a minor second?
A: Two oboes playing in unison.

Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: Vibrato.

Q: What do you call 1,000 soprano saxophonists at the bottom of the bay?
A: A good start.

Q: How do you make a trombone really sound like a French horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and miss at least half the notes.

Q: How do you make a French horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and play out of tune.

Q: What is the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead conductor in the road?
A: There are usually skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: You are driving down the road and come across a conductor and a violist. You cannot avoid hitting one of them. Which should it be?
A: Hit the violist first, then the conductor. After all, business before pleasure.

Q: What is the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

Q: What can you tell when you see a violist drooling out of both corners of his mouth?
A: The stage is level.

Q: What is the definition of a classical string quartet?
A: One good violin, one bad violin, one former violin and one who hates violins.

Q: What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

Q: Why do violists leave their cases on the dashboard of their cars?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spaces.

Q: What is the definition of perfect pitch?
A: Tossing a viola into the toilet without hitting the rim.

And the Victor Borge Memorial Joke:
Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: The violin burns faster.

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't.

Q: How do you get 5 oboes in tune?
A: Shoot 4 of them.

Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.

Q: How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.

Q: How do you make him stop?
A: Put notes on it!

Q: There's a five pound note on the floor in a room with a bad drummer, a thrash guitarist, and a drummer who keeps good time. Who picks itup?
A: The bad drummer; the other drummer doesn't exist and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.

Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: Your heart mends, you get out of jail, you get your job or your wife back, and you stop having fun. Oh, did I mention your dog comes back
to life?

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings.

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.

A guy walks into a shop.
"How much is a Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingy and a Gibson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."

A couple was having marital difficulties and consulted a marriage counselor. After meeting with them, the counselor told them that their problems could all be traced to a lack of communication. "You two need to talk," he said. "So, I recommend that you go to a jazz club. Just wait until it's time for the bass player to solo. Then you'll be talking just like everyone else."

A number of years ago, the Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth.
At this point, you must understand two things:
1.There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
2.There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians. It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietlylay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the firstcouple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."
Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other." So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! And why not? After all...
It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

A viola player was returning from a gig, and, feeling tired, decided to stop at a roadside cafe for a rest and a cup of coffee. Halfway through the cup he remembered he'd left his viola on the passenger's seat of the car. He rushed outside... but it was too late... someone had broken the window and put two more violas on the rear seat!

During his first lesson the viola student was given four notes to practice on just the first string. The next week he was given four more notes to practice on just the second string. After that, the student never returned for another lesson. After a year the teacher called him and asked: "Aren't you going to continue with your studies?" "Oh yes, I've been meaning to," the student replied "but I just can't find the time. I've been getting so much work..."

How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
1.The viola burns longer.
2.The viola holds more beer.
3.You can tune the violin.

We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?
It's usually still in the case.

How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.

How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?
Mark it "solo."

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.

What do you do with a dead violist?
Move him back a desk.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.

What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?"
Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.

Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.

What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
The seamstress tucks up the frills.

What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?
Vibrato.

Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
It saves time.

How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.

How was the canon invented?
Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.

Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?
They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.

Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.

Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?
Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.
Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?

1. So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
2. If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.

Why don't violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.

Why do violists smile when they play?
Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.

Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?
Skid marks before the skunk.

How do you get a violin to sound like a viola?
1.Sit in the back and don't play.
2.Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.

Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both screw up bowings (Boeings).

What's the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto?
Music Minus One

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

What is the range of a Viola?
As far as you can kick it.

What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?
They're both offensive and inaccurate.

Why are violas so large?
It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large; just that the viola players' heads are so small.

What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.

What is the definition of a cluster chord?
A viola section playing on the C string.

Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?
All those positions!

If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis?
The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.

Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three violas in it?
You could fit in at least one more.

How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?
They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.

Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?
They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it.

What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
1. half a measure
2. a semi-tone

Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany?
Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.

Why can't a violist play with a knife in his back?
Because he can't lean back in his chair.

What instrument do violists envy most?
The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings.

What's another name for viola auditions?
Scratch lottery.

What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
1. A prostitute knows more than two positions.
2. Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.

What is the similarity between a violist and a prostitute?
Both are paid to fake climaxes.

How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
1. Shoot 11 of them.
2. Shoot all of them.
3. Who the hell wants a dozen violists?

What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
Drive-by viola recitals.

How does a violist's brain cell die?
Alone.

How do you call a violist with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

Why do violists have pea-sized brains?
Because alcohol has swelled them.

How many violists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?
Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M & M's.

What's the similarity between the Beatles and the viola section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra?
Neither has played together since 1970.

What is the longest viola joke?
Harold in Italy

What do you call a bunch of violists in a hot tub?
Vegetable soup.

Did you hear about the violist who played in tune?
Neither did I.

What is the main reqirement at the "International Viola Competition?"
Hold the viola from memory.

Why did the violist marry the accordion player?
Upward mobility.

How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?
Divide the metronome marking by 2.

Why do you always bury a viola player three feet under?
Because deep down they are all very nice people.

How do you keep a violist from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

A violist and a 'cellist were standing on a sinking ship. "Help!" cried the 'cellist, "I can't swim!" "Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."

A violist came home and found his house burned to the ground. When he asked what happened, the police told him "Well, apparently the conductor came to your house, and ..." The violist's eyes lit up and he interrupted excitedly, "The conductor? Came to my house?"

A 'cellist and three violists walked into a restaurant. Presently a waiter came over to serve them. "Good Evening, sir," he said to the 'cellist. "And what would like tonight?" "I'd like a rump steak, medium rare," replied the 'cellist. "Would you like anything with that?" "What do you have?" "Salad?" suggested the waiter. "No, thank you," said the cellist. "Potatoes?" "Ah, no." "Vegetables?" "Oh, they'll have what I'm having."

A viola player went to a piano recital. After the performance he went up to the pianist and said, "You know, I particularly liked that piece you played last--the one that started with a long trill." The pianist said, "Huh? I didn't play any pieces that started with trills." The viola player said, "You know--[he hums the opening bars of Für Elise.]"

A violist in an orchestra was crying and screaming at the oboe player sitting directly behind him. The conductor asked, "What are you so upset about?" The violist replied "The oboist reached over and turned one of the pegs on my viola and now it's all out of tune!" The conductor asked "Don't you think you're overreacting?" The violist replied "I'm not overreacting! He won't tell me which one!"

A violinist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the violists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several decades, and the violinist became quite curious about it. One day, during hot weather, the violist took off his jacket and went off on break. The violinist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: "viola left hand, bow right."

A man went into a novelty shop and saw an item that caught his fancy almost immediately. It was a stuffed rat. The man couldn't take his eyes off it, and finally asked how much it cost. The answer was "$79.95, but if you buy it, you can't return it for any reason." The man thought this was a bit odd, but he was really taken by the stuffed rat so he bought it. As he headed down the street with the stuffed rat, several live rats started following him. He thought this was really odd, but he kept walking. Within a few blocks, he had a huge pack of rats behind him. When he got to the river, he threw the stuffed rat into the river, and all the live rats jumped into the river and drowned. The man returned to the shop. As soon as he walked in, the owner said "I told you you couldn't return the stuffed rat!" The man said "No! I don't want to return it! I was wondering if you had any stuffed violists."

A viola player decides that he's had enough of being a viola player--unappreciated, all those silly jokes. So he decides to change instruments. He goes into a shop, and says, "I want to buy a violin." The man behind the counter looks at him for a moment, and then says, "You must be a viola player." The viola player is astonished, and says, "Well, yes, I am. But how did you know?" "Well, sir, this is a fish-and-chip shop."

An American orchestra had just arrived in Europe for a two-week tour. One hour before the first concert, the conductor became very ill and was unable to conduct, and the orchestra suddenly had to find a substitute. The orchestra manager asked everyone in the orchestra whether they could step in and conduct, and the only person who was willing was the last chair violist. The manager was very nervous about this.
"We can't audition you," he said. "No problem," replied the violist. "There's no time to rehearse. You'll have to do the concert cold." "I know. It'll be all right." The violist conducted the concert and it was a smashing success. Since the conductor remained ill for the duration of the tour, the violist conducted all of the concerts, getting rave reviews and standing ovations at each one. At the next rehearsal, the conductor had recovered, and the violist took his place at the back of the viola section. As he sat down, his stand partner asked him "Where've you been for the last two weeks?"

Once there was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie. "For letting me out of my lamp I'll grant you three wishes!" he said. The violist thought for a moment and replied, "Make me a far better musician than I am now." The genie told him that
this would be done. He was to go to sleep, and in the morning he would be a much better musician. The next day he woke up to find himself the principal violist of the Symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again, and out popped the genie. "You have two more wishes!" he said. "I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!" Once again, the genie told him to go to bed, and when he woke up it would be so. When the violist awoke, he found he was now the principal violist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the violist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again, and once more out came the genie. "This is your last wish." the genie said. "I want you to make me yet a better musician still!" Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section.

A musician from the Chicago Symphony one day ran across an old lamp at a garage sale, took it home, washed it up, and out popped at genie. "Thank you kind sir for releasing me from this old lamp. I regret to say that you have encountered a poor, less powerful genie, and I can only grant you one wish, but wish away." said the genie. "Oh that's wonderful. I think I would really like to make a difference in the world with my one wish.", said the musician. He thought for a moment and then reached for his atlas. "Here's a map of the Middle East. The people who live there have been fighting for years and years. For my one wish, I would like to to bring peace to this land." The genie, a little caught off gaurd, said "Oh, well, ah... that's a little bit too much for even this old master to handle. Aah, ya see, these people... they're involved in that touchy religious stuff, and aah, the kids, aah, they begin fighting when they're just teenagers. I'm afraid you're going to have to make another wish." "Well, okay." said the musician. "For my one wish, I would just once like to hear the Chicago Symphony viola section play in tune." The genie quickly thought for a moment and replied, "Um, let me take a look at those maps again."

A violist was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine meadow. The violist took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said "Sure." The violist guessed "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had. The violist got all excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The violist selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him. The shepherd then got an idea and asked "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?" The violist was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed "You're a violist, aren't you?" The violist was very surprised and asked, "How did you know?" The shepherd responded, "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."

When "Oetzi," the famous glacier-mummy, was found in the Alps, archeologists and anthropologists were mystified by the riddle of "Oetzi's" nature, the chief question being: "How did he get under the ice-fields?" Thanks to a joint venture operation by leading music-anthropologists the mystery has found its solution: "Oetzi" must have been a violist. How else could the glacier have caught up with him?

In order to save money, the musicians decided to build their Union Hall themselves. As they proceeded to do the job, gradually the hierarchy of the musicians was reflected in the jobs that they did. The violists found themselves at the bottom of a ditch doing the nastiest of the digging. Above them, supervising, was a trumpet player. One violist turned to another and asked, "How come we're working down here and he's working up there?" The other responded, "I don't know, but I'll go up there and ask." The violist crawled up to the top of the ditch. "Why are we down there digging while you're up here supervising?" the violist asked the trumpeter. "Because I'm smarter than you," was the reply. "Huh, I don't understand," the confused violist said. "Allow me to demonstrate," said the trumpeter. He walked up to the nearest tree, put out his open hand in front of the tree and said to the violist, "Hit my hand!" The violist reared back with his fist and shot a punch at the trumpeter's open hand. At the last instant, the trumpeter moved his hand out of the way so that the violist's fist went slamming into the tree. "OW!," cried the violist, "I see what you mean." He then returned to the ditch and his friend waiting below. "Well," said the other violist, "did you find out why he's up there and we're down here?" "Yes," said the violist, whose hand was still throbbing, "it's because he's smarter than us." "I don't understand," said his friend. "Let me explain it to you," said the violist. He then took his open hand and placed it in front of his own face. "Now," he said, "hit my hand with your shovel!"

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of violists. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one violist every hour.

Once upon a time there was a hospital where they made brain transplantations. A client asked about the prices. The doctor said, " Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000...this brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000...oh yes, here we a violist's brain as well. It costs $50000." The client asked, "What? How's that possible?" The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

A noted bon vivant and comic was recently flying to Berlin. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate. "I've got a great violist joke. Would you like to hear it?" "I should let you know first that I am a violist". "That's OK. I'll tell it real slow!"

A violist and a percussionist were walking in a park. The percussionist saw a dead crow and said to the violist, "Look, a dead crow." The violist looked up and asked, "Where?"

One day Timmy came home from school very excited. "Mommy, Mommy, Guess what? Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got messed up around 'P'!" His mother said, "Very good, dear. That's because you're a violist." The next day, Timmy was even more excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else got messed up around seven!" "Very good, dear," his mother replied. "That's because you're a violist." On the third day, Timmy was beside himself.
"Mommy, Mommy, today we measured ourselves and I'm the tallest one in my class! Is that because I'm a violist?" "No dear," she said. "That's because you're 26 years old."

Violin Jokes

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.

Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.

How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!

String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."

Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?
Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.

Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.

A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."

His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"

Cello Jokes

How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo"

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

Bass Jokes

Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?

 

 

How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.

How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)

A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?" The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"

At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!" The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight." The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"

There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.
A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.
Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while."
After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"

Lute Jokes

Lute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

Harp Jokes

Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

How long does a harp stay in tune?
About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.

What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning unison strings.

Piano Jokes

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"

Organ Jokes

What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
He puts his Leslie on "slow".

The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.

Flute/Piccolo Jokes

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

Double Reed Jokes

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.

What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.

What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.

What is the definition of a major second?
Two baroque oboes playing in unison.

How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A bad oboist can kill you.

Clarinet Jokes

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

What's the definition of "nerd?"
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

Saxophone Jokes

You might notice that there are very few jokes about the clarinet. This is out of sympathy. The clarinet has already been the butt of so many
jokes - the saxophone, for instance.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
1.Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles.
2.The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
3.The grip.

What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
The exhaust.

The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now."

He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

Brass

Trumpet Jokes

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I'm better than you."
How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
The doorbell shrieks!

Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's too sensitive.

In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.

After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"

Trombone Jokes

What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
1.Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
2.It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.

How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
1.Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
2.Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!

How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.

What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?
A optimist.

What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.

How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
His hat says "Domino's Pizza"

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-At-A-Glance."

How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.

What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.

It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!

French Horn Jokes

How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
Have them miss every other note.

How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.

What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A goalpost that can't march.

How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
1."Hi. I played that last year."
2."Hi. I did that piece in junior high."

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure makehim a great kisser?"
"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"
The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"

Tuba Jokes

What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.

What's a tuba for?
1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut."

Note: in the USA, a 2 x 4 is a two-inch by four-inch piece of wood, which actually measures 1 1/2 inches by 3 1/2 inches.

How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.

These two tuba players walk past a bar...
Well, it could happen!

Percussionist Jokes

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.

How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.

How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1."Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
2.Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
3.Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
4.Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
5.None. They have a machine to do that.

Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there." After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?" The store owner says, "That's the radiator."

Bodhran Jokes

What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?
A bodhran player.

What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.

How do you know when there is a bodhran player at your front door?
The knocking gets faster and faster and faster.

What do bodhran players use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the best thing to play a bodhran with?
A razor blade.

Soprano Jokes

If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
1.The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
2.Who cares?

What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
The lipstick.

What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
The jewelry.

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
1.One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
2.Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
3.Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.

What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman?
Stage makeup.

What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds.

How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
Some people actually like sewer rats.

What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.

How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.

What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
Puts on her clothes and goes home.

What's the next thing a soprano does in the morning?
Looks for her instrument.

What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.

What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sightread.

A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing."

Alto Jokes

What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
Tenors don't have hair on their backs.

How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1.None. They can't get that high.
2.Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"

Tenor Jokes

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.

What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt?
A tenor.

How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.

How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Where is a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.

What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.

Bass Jokes

How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).

How do you tell if a bass is dead?
1.What's the difference?
2.Who cares?

In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when the switch has occurred?
The "statue" starts looking a bit stiff.

How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

High School Chorus Jokes

What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.

How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
The performance causes more suffering.

Why do high school choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.

What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.

What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.

Banjo Jokes

What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.

What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"

What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"

There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

Guitar Jokes

What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
Both suck when you plug them in.

How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they just steal somebody else's light.

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

What's the best thing to play on a guitar?
Solitaire.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
1.None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.
2.Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.
3.One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
4.Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source?
Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

Accordion Jokes

If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
Who cares?

What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

What do you call ten accordians at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What's a bassoon good for?
Kindling for an accordion fire.

What's a accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.

What do you call a group of topless female accordian players?
Ladies in Pain

Bumper Stickers:
1.Play an accordian--go to jail!
2.Three rows and you're out!

Chang Jokes

A "Chang" is a Central Asian instrument (from countries such as Uzbekistan). It's something like a hammered dulcimer with a damper pedal.

How long does it take to tune a chang?
Nobody knows.

Why is it so difficult to tune a chang?
So that violist can feel superior about something.

Q: How many chang players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. One to twist the bulb for several hours, and the other one to decide that it's as good as it's going to get, and that they
might as well flip the switch.

Misc. Jazz/Folk/Rock/Country/Blues/Popular

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.

What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.

What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

"Hey, buddy, how late do the filkers play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind..."

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
1."One, two, three, one, two, three..."
2."Hey man, I just do sound."
3.One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
1.None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
2."Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"

How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.

 

Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?"

"It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton.

"What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks.

Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."

Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"

I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7.
He said, "No, no. A jazz chord."
I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either.
"No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"

Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.

A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live."
The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"

Conductor Jokes

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.